If you’ve ever been to the dentist and witnessed a seventeen year old girl with her head between her legs, breathing heavily into a plastic bag whilst tightly squeezing her mothers hand in the waiting room - then yes, you have seen me. 

There are two types of people in this world: those who go to the dentist, get the sticker and leave, and then myself - the girl, who just by breathing, somehow manages to get a cavity and then leaves with no sticker since being too old and embarrassed to ask for one sigh (will we ever live in a world where I can proudly strut out of the dentists, with my head held high, wearing a large sticker with a grinning crocodile and the words “I look after my teeth” printed on it in bold, without being heckled at by the local chavs smoking on the corner?)

WARNING: from past experience I feel there is some advice which must be acknowledged before your trip to the dentist:

1.  Do not bring someone along with you. ESPECIALLY someone with a beautiful jawline, perfect straight teeth, a clear complexion etc etc, unless you’re EXTREMELY comfortable around this “God-like” being. There will never be anything attractive about drooling down your chin whilst being tipped back at an 180 degree angle in order to reveal a very prominent double chin and maybe, the viewing of unpicked bogeys up your nose (gross but true)
2. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER look shocked when the dentist casually says “i’m going to drill you now”. Okay, so I admit this was my first experience of “dirty talk” and the only thing my fourteen year old self could think was “WHAT?!?!?! My mother is still in the room and those photo’s on the wall suggest you have a wife and children!!” But it is official, The dentist is the HQ of innuendos - when I got my braces taken off, the orthodontist leaned in very close and whispered “now, I’m going to show you something I don’t show a lot of people…”, the atmosphere became very tense and still as I awaited silently, We were in an open plan dentist. my mother was holding my hands and i’d only come with the intention of getting my braces off, not to ruin a marriage.. he smirked, licked his lips and showed me his teeth. All that tension for nothing, absolute let down…JOKING (I think)
3. Life lesson: if your dentist is located next to a bakery, always plan an alternative route home. It should be illegal to build an Oliver Adams bakery right outside the dentist, especially when you can smell the scent of wonderful goodness drifting through the windows of the surgery whilst you’re having a chainsaw forced down your throat. My dentist once caught me walking past his surgery, clutching a bag of sugary doughnuts ten minutes after seeing him, “I hope they’re not for you”, he called sternly, whilst I stood there quivering in fear - I mean c’mon, you have just injected, drilled and filled (no innuendo intended, i just had a bad cavity, i swear) and you expect me not to drown my sorrows and pain in self pity food?!

However, the dentist does have it’s perks. I mean, you don’t have to invest in lip fillers after your lip gets caught in the suction machine. There have been many times where i’ve witnessed the assistant wrestle with the aggressive piece of machinery so that I don’t leave the dentist looking like Fungus from Monsters Inc… And in even better news it appears that good teeth comes with age… simply because you can no longer be arsed to walk to the sweet shop and purchase some extremely sugary, tooth-decaying treats.